Hamilton Nolan's ENDLESS SUICIDE NOTE
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“Texas loves Jesus, and Texas loves football. Neither of them belong in high schools. At least Jesus-induced brain damage can be reversed.” -
“Were we to restore hangings as a punishment in America, politicians would likewise rush to preserve them, as boons to hangmen and the gallows industry.” -
“ I remember the two dollar bills, crumpled and limp as wet tortillas;
And the lone quarter, gleaming slyly;
And how, when I put them into the machine, it flashed, “Single Ride,”
And I replied, via button-pressing, “yes,”A MetroCard, durable, spit from the slot,
Its papery feel also kind of a plasticky feel.
Sliding through the turnstile swipe thing;
“Please Swipe Again,” it demands, silently, pleading,
So I swipe it again, like a lover’s hand, swiping, if you know what I mean.Oh cheap MetroCard, a single crease renders you useless,
No MTA worker nor passerby can fix you;
Endlessly declaring “Unable to Read,”
A refund will come in six weeks, what a farce.My $2.25 MetroCard, you are not here,
Waiting in my pocket, next to $17 in cash and some gum.
No subway station violin-player nor obscene graffiti on a rom-com poster ad can console me,
Nor a copy of King magazine, from the underground newsstand.If only I could cling to your slightly cheaper cost forever,
”
My bent $2.25 MetroCard, my paper-plasticky pass to our metropolis.
Alone on this blog I speak the words of my sorrow:
I, one straphanger in a city of millions,
Have one less quarter to do laundry. -
“Oh, OH. And, most importantly, let’s get right down to the bone and gristle here, who did the prestigious fellows at Men’s Health—the fellows whose list did not include, say, a real Spartan, but did include the dude who played a Spartan in the movie 300—select as The Fittest Man of All Time? The Fittest Man ever, in history, to set foot on the earth, and do things, with his body, which leave a legacy for all mankind? The Fittest Man of All Time, according to Men’s Health, is… *slide whistle*: Subway sandwich pitchman Michael Phelps. THE FITTEST MAN TO EVER WALK THE EARTH IN ALL HUMAN HISTORY. What a fortunate coincidence that he is some famous athlete who lives in our age.” -
“Worrying new news from the United States Department of Finding Out How Sinful We Are, a.k.a. the Census Bureau: it’s not just young heathens shacking up together, now, sexing, out of wedlock, yes, that’s right, we all know what you’re doing in your so-called household—sex. Old people are doing the same thing now. Having learned from the youth. And what of the church? Totally unmentioned. Our lips are pressed firmly together in silent condemnation.” -
“ So, something for all the student-debt-wracked Americans to feel good about, briefly, for a fleeting moment, until you remember that these closings will result in hundreds of layoffs of the poor wage slave bastards who were just trying to get by while the big decision makers make out just fine, as always, and then you come back to the fact that the average student loan debt for the Class of 2011 is up 5%, to $26,500, and the fact that, even after you’ve assumed that debt, US business executives believe that there will not be high paying jobs for you in the future, because other countries’ students probably studied harder and smoked less chronic than you in school, and will work for cheaper.
They probably have less debt, also.
” -
“Everyone! Quickly! Fetch a cool draught of water for beleaguered Carroll Gardens, where they already have people who are “borderline homeless.” Carroll Gardens, you’ve done more than enough. Please. Go sit on the sidelines now.” -
“I will fight for oil, coal, and natural gas,” says Romney. Remember that when Romney’s great-great-grandchildren are getting fitted for their mandatory gas masks to survive in the ruined Earth’s atmosphere.” -
“ The article also notes that these kids “have no right to a court-appointed attorney,” immediately before noting that a good attorney is their only hope for getting asylum. So that’s depressing.
The full report on this, from the Women’s Refugee Commission, can be found here. You may add this issue to the list of issues that will not be addressed during tonight’s presidential debates
” -
“…that is the situation we are in, because that is the system of incentives for our elected leaders which we have all collectively agreed upon, by standing by and allowing our democracy to be seamlessly merged into capitalism until getting politicians elected is merely a business expense. The upper class must be served for its money, and the middle class will be served for the sheer scope of its voting power, and the lower class will wait around to collect any scraps that may trickle down when the government has handled the rest of its business.”
